Ain’t it a funny side-effect of coaching people, as I often notice: you explain to your client how taking a different perspective might clear out a dense fog, and yet if you’re plain honest with yourself, you have been stubbornly holding on to some perspective yourself, getting lost in the fog alltogether.
So that’s a nice time to step back and take a good look in the mirror. Had myself such a challenge today, and the theme was: following my heart, following my dreams. Not an easy one, as I have the experience that for me, only to wish for something, brings it right out of my reach, where it can annoy and frustrate me.
Yet the long journey I have walked these past few years has taught me that a personal conviction is the stepping stone towards a new discovery. So just this once, terribly annoyed and frustrated by another beautiful dream that keeps escaping me, I decide to take that step back and ask myself: now does it, does it really escape you and is the only possible answer “forget about it!” and cry me a river over another lost dream?
At first it feels quite uncomfortable, I must say, because the habitual reaction is yelling in both my ears: give up! Having a dream come true is not part of God’s plan with you, period! Well, they can quietly yell, and yell, and yell. Like a thunder storm, passing over. Eventually they decide to quiet down, for I’m hearing them, but not listening. I’m waiting for my heart to speak up.
An then my heart speeks, and it surprises me. It says: do not give up on the dream, just look deeper into it.
So I try and peel off my onion-dream. What is it that my heart wishes? Today it is all about a love that crossed my path inadvertedly, and seems to be willing to stay. As a friend of mine nicely noticed: now you tell me girl, really, someone opened up your heart at last? Oh yeah, he did. And I’m quite uncomfortable for the moment having to take care of an open heart, which I’m not used to. On the other hand, alltough the man really loves me, he is not ready for a myriad of reasons to fully engage into a relationship with me. And that is my wish, just step into that journey. So if he does not, how can I ever cherish that dream?
I made a mistake. I accepted a yes-but-no or no-but-yes kind of connection. Convinced as I was that accepting a portion of the dream into my day-to-day life was better than letting it go. Only to realize that this situation was shrinking my wish, my dream. And that hurts, as if a machine had been shrinking my heart inside my body. So the next option: let go of the dream. Only to realize that my heart refuses to give in to that, as a madman, raging like a hurt lion.
Step back, step back. What does it show? I could also cherish the true, the deeper dream, take care of it like it was an innocent newborn baby totally dependent of my love and care, but clearly setting a boundary: I cannot accept a yes-but-no or no-but-yes, it is either Yes! or No!. For the time being, it is a No! If that ever turns into a Yes! a path is open to be walked together.
Gives me a feeling that my heart’s wish is safe. Enlightens me on how I can take care of an open heart. Ensures that if the dream will be lived, it will be fully lived. If not, it will remain unscratched.
My heart goes quietly tudum-tudum, and knows the best will come.
Tonight I will sleep like a baby.